Are Are You Having Trouble Trusting And Being Both Feet In Your Relationship and in life? Trusting Is Possible..

If you have been having difficulty trusting, I can so relate to you, and I know how badly this can feel. Yet, I am here to tell you that it is possible to trust in your relationship and to trust again.

I have been on this self discovery journey to know how to relax in a relationship and trust, I needed to learn how to be both feet in a relationship. 

These questions would swirl around in my head?  And I thought one day I would have answers to these questions, then I would be able to relax and be able to trust fully. And have the relationship and love that I’ve always desired.

These questions went like this, how can I really know if I can trust this person with my heart?

How can I really know when things get tough in life and or in our relationship that he won’t just walk away and abandon ship, leave me?

How do I really know if he is and will be faithful as in not cheating?

Have you ever asked these questions?

The problem here are not the questions, actually they are great questions to ask in the beginning stage of a relationship. In order to guard our hearts, to observe someone’s character is very important especially in choosing a life partner.

So, really doing this would mean to slow it down, and allow things to unfold, allow the real person to be revealed to you. 

A committed, healthy, long lasting relationship can not be rushed.

It takes time to build anything good and solid.

Let me get back to those questions though.  When I would ask these questions I would realize that all the assurance in the world ended up never being enough for me.

What would happen is when I would get the assurance I would feel assured and confident for that moment or that day then I would be in doubt asking those questions again, feeling anxious. 

I would then feel so overwhelmed and riddled with anxiety, and  because I didn't want to feel that way, as well not getting the clarity I needed  I would eventually end up sabotaging the relationship in some way.

What I realized is that NO one can assure us 100 percent that they  will not hurt us in a deep way, fall out of love with me, or cheat on me. etc.

I had to radically accept this myself. I could not see the future, and I could not know what someone else would or would not do with a 100 percent guarantee.

I understand hearing this can anger or scare you, this truth of reality.

Please stay with me here. I have a very important point to make in regards to this.

We can know that we deeply love this person and want our lives with them, and feel that they too feel the same way.

Yet, even love, and marriage is a leap of faith.

Everything is a leap of faith in life.

Being an analyzer and being able to calculate everything is great and yet, humans make mistakes. We just do. It’s human.

We could even make a mistake that we thought we would never ever do.

Realizing this freed me from holding myself and someone to this unrealistic expectation to be perfect in every way and promise to never ever make a mistake.

This just isn’t realistic, I honestly didn’t realize I was doing this at the time.

I am not saying that it’s okay for someone to lie, cheat, abandon ship or anything else that is hurtful to you.

And yet, that is their choice, and everyone like ourselves have the right to do what we think feels right or not even if it doesn’t seem right at the time.

The point is we can not control someone else's thoughts or behavior, everyone on earth has their own journey.

Even by trying to be so perfect, and hopefully you had some time to see this person's real character to notice how much they love, and adore you. And how they handle things, and would fight for the relationship.

In my mind though, I felt I had to be guaranteed in some way in order to relax and trust that person.  In order for me to be both feet in.

I would have expectations for them to meet, so that I would feel assured, and so that I could relax, breathe, and trust that they do love me. 

I would get so focused on it that I would eventually lose myself.

This behavior would push him away understandably so, and would only make me even more anxious and distrustful.  

I would always be making a case for them or against them in my head, putting their actions in categories, if I could trust them for the long hall or not.

Because of this I would be one foot in, and one foot out, just in case.

Needless to say that this behavior and way of thinking kept me from love and the kind of relationship I had always wanted. I only knew what I knew. The simple truth is I was trying to protect myself from getting hurt or abandoned again by someone I really loved.

I was doing only what I knew to do to stay safe until I learned a new way, and until I was able to look at my fears more closely and deal with them head on.

What I learned is that instead of being 100 percent guaranteed that they would not cheat or hurt me in any way, I learned to have a guarantee and believe within myself, that no matter what happens I would get through it, and I would be 100 percent okay.

I even had to let go of the guarantee that “we would get through it”. 

This doesn’t mean I wouldn’t pray about that or believe in him or us, and or our ability to get through things.

Because I believe without a doubt with all my heart that a couple can overcome and resolve anything! YES! ANYTHING! 

Together where love and commitment lies anything is possible.

What it meant to me was that no one can give me such guarantees, I can’t even give that guarantee to myself. 

I do NOT have control over if my partner would “want” or is able to do the work if and when hard times arise. Just like I have zero control over when he will die or I will die for that matter.

I would hope he would want to resolve things if it came to that, and yet we simply do not know the future.

People make mistakes.

We have to be prepared and realize that our partner is imperfect and so are we.

We can not be blind by this.

We can not be perfect no matter how hard we try!

I’ve learned to focus on that my trust lies more on that all things will be worked out for the good from hardships, and hardships give us great opportunities for deeper closeness, and healing rather than just trust in that person solely. 

My perspective has radically shifted.

I used to think of trust as something I would stand on that came from the other person in which they provided for me.   

But then the dilemma was how can I trust someone if they will mess up or hurt me. How can I trust myself when I do the same?

How can I be in a relationship without trust? Well, I couldn’t so I didn’t stay.

I wrestled with this most of my life. I came to realize they couldn't give me 100 percent guarantee, no one can.

Knowing this, now what? How then can I be in a committed relationship with no trust? Because as I mentioned for me trust meant I needed guarantee that they wouldn’t hurt me?

How can I relax and not feel so anxious all the time?

By having guarantee that my trust is in that no matter what happens in my relationship, I will have the strength, and the ability to be okay. And that I will get through it!

This is where the guarantee I was searching for and needed lies! 

I am guaranteed that I will get through it no matter what lies ahead in my life and my relationship. 

I also know that getting through something doesn’t mean it won’t hurt, or it won’t be hard.

It means I will survive through it, and I will be okay, and I will also be blessed, comforted, and supported through it. And I trust that good awaits me on the other side of the hardship, break up.

This is what I hold on to now!

This is my guarantee so that I can trust.

The flesh peeled right off of me as I went through this process of how to trust in a relationship, so that I can be both feet in and not sabotage.

I will say though, this process was down right ugly, messy, painful, I’m so grateful I stuck with the process.

Now I have the possibility of the love and relationship I have always desired in My life. And with anything I desire.

By taking the leap of faith in love and knowing no matter what happens I will be okay.

This is freedom to me, I now can be free and light to enjoy life and my relationship fully.

I know that hard times will come as they are part of life.

I used to always want to run away from the pain, but now I accept the pain and I move towards it. I learned to not be afraid of it.

I don’t want to close myself off from my uncomfortable feelings anymore, as when I would do that it would also cut myself off from joy, love and peace too. 

A heart is either open or closed.

I want to live openly in my heart.

Even though with my heart open it may look at times messy.

I choose this, I choose love, I choose messy.

I now see perfection in this.

If you want to dive into learning how to trust the process, trust that all things will work out for the good, and how to trust your partner again, also by learning how to forgive him, please message me and get your free 20 minute live love chat with me.

Much love,

Lisa Alarie