Love Yourself To Love Others

Dear Dynamic, Powerful woman,

Love ourselves to be able to love others can seem like a cliche, yet it really is true. 

Have you ever had difficulty loving yourself fully, which includes your flaws?

Have you struggled with letting others in to love you?

I have struggled with this myself and still have to be mindful of doing so.

I have learned the importance of taking full responsibility to love myself, and to take care of my own needs and not put that on anyone else.

No one really can do it for us, and perhaps sometimes they can meet our needs, but not all the time.

And being mad at them about this will wreck the relationship as resentment can build up and possibly destroy intimacy, ultimately trust. 

One might ask how do I love myself, what does that look like?

One main way of tending to our needs is learning to self sooth.

An example is a personal story which I feel can apply in so many daily scenarios. …

I was camping with my boyfriend and I had a dream about my dog that I had to put down just 4 weeks ago. 

So, it was still pretty fresh…

I felt I needed to be held for comfort and soothed from the intense pain of sadness of losing him, my companion, my best friend.

My boyfriend wanted to get up and get going understandably as we had lots of plans for the day. A fun day planned at that. 

I felt instantly disappointed and mad at him, feelings of rejection.

I quickly shut down and pushed the sadness down and just got up.

I went into my old pattern, which I know doesn’t work, which is shutting down and getting quiet.

As I got ready for the day and breaking down camp I was fighting back the tears.  

The more silent I was the more I felt the sadness that I was holding down.

I was upset with him most of the day and felt dismissed. Which only made me feel even worse. It resulted in me not feeling connected and I so badly wanted to be, especially that day.

I realized later how I brought this on myself, because instead of asking myself that morning what do I need to do right now to feel better, how can I take care of my needs, what can I do or say to feel connected with my partner.

This is my new way of being which is very effective and truly works, not only is what is needed for a healthy and thriving relationship to exist.

That morning I could have stepped into my new pattern of loving myself which means taking responsibility for my needs. 

That morning could and day could have looked quite differently.

It could have looked like this… I could have shared with him how I was feeling. How I woke from a dream with Willie in it and how the dream felt so real, like he was still alive and when I woke with the reality and that is really gone, I felt crushed.

 And I could have asked him for a hug and then perhaps I could have taken a little walk alone to the river to ground myself, let the tears flow out, and have a little talk with God. 

And then walking back to camp feeling better, I believe in this scenario by communicating and taking care of my needs that morning it would have shifted the energy(sadness) and it would have made it a better day with my partner, an overall better day within myself had I chosen to do this.

I would like to mention that even though I knew better, I did not beat myself up as I am still trying to strengthen that new muscle of a new way of being. I am only human and I will from time to time make mistakes. This is natural.

I could have also avoided a discussion with my boyfriend  later on that day that really didn’t go anywhere and that didn’t feel good for either of us.

The important thing here to point out is that even when we ask another for our needs to be met for whatever reason they may not be able to weather it be because they can not or simply don’t want to, or honestly sometimes we just need to soothe ourselves.  

And if this is the case that is their choice and they have that right to choose that, and that doesn’t mean they don’t love you or anything else that we could put meaning to it.

So regardless of if my partner tends to my needs or not  I have learned that it’s just better to know what soothes me in times like this, and just go and do it.

So, it’s really important to take care of ourselves and learn how to self-soothe and how to not put that on our loved ones, especially our partner.

By asking for our needs though, we invited them into our heart in a deeper way without expectation and without all this pressure wrapped around it.

We can learn this new way if it is done one step at a time. 

We can learn to feel our emotions, share that with our partner and ask what we need in a non expectation way, in a way that feels alright to us both if he says no.

We can learn to accept their no, respect their decision, and then take care of ourselves in that moment.

If you would like to know more about how to take care of your needs and how that can look, and how to really love yourself, to  have the relationship you’ve always wanted. Email me for a free 20 minute phone consultation. I feel confident in the tools that I have learned and implemented in my own life along with the life changing Love and Relationship training I received by Rori Raye, can absolutely help you.

Much Love & Blessings,

Lisa Alarie